Resources

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These are books, podcasts, and tools I’d hand a man going through a divorce. I didn’t write any of them. Each section is short on purpose: a few good places to start are more use than a long list you won’t open.

Help right now

Deciding and the first months

• Find a discernment counselor (Doherty Relationship Institute). If one of you is leaning out and the other wants to keep trying, discernment counseling is a short, structured process built for that split, usually one to five sessions. The aim is a clear decision in either direction.
• Crazy Time (Abigail Trafford). A map of the first two years after separation, when judgment is shaky. I like it for a practical reason: once you can name the phase you’re in, it’s easier to put off big decisions until you’re out of it.
• Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends (Bruce Fisher and Robert Alberti). The book divorce-recovery groups have used for decades, with exercises for each stage of getting over a breakup. Real life is messier than the stages. The exercises still help.
• What to Do When a Personal Crisis Is Hurting Your Professional Life (Amy Gallo, Harvard Business Review). How much to tell your boss, how to ask for flexibility without oversharing, and when leave is worth it. Soft paywall.

Your kids

• Two Homes, One Childhood (Robert Emery). Schedules that fit a child’s age, from infants to teenagers, and how to change the plan as they grow. Read it before mediation, while you’re working out what an ordinary week will look like.
• The Co-Parenting Handbook (Karen Bonnell with Kristin Little). The practical side of running two homes: handoffs, holidays, school events, and dealing with the other parent like a business partner. Bonnell practiced in the Seattle area, so the process matches Washington’s.
• How to Talk to Your Children about Divorce (American Academy of Pediatrics). One page on what to say at each age and what to leave out. Read it the night before the conversation.
• “What If We Lived in Two Houses?” (NPR Life Kit, with Sesame Workshop). A 20-minute episode on telling young kids, built around one family’s story. The transcript is on the page if you’d rather read.

Talking with your ex

• BIFF for Co-Parents (Bill Eddy, Annette Burns, and Kevin Chafin). Brief, informative, friendly, firm: a way to write replies that don’t escalate, with sample messages about schedules, pickups, and expenses. Useful if most of your contact with your ex happens by text now.
• Difficult Conversations (Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen). From the Harvard Negotiation Project. It separates what happened from the feelings and the stakes, which helps before a hard talk with an ex, a lawyer, or your kids.
• OurFamilyWizard. The co-parenting app courts order most often: a shared calendar, an expense log, and messages that can’t be edited or deleted. Each parent pays separately.

Mood, stress, and loneliness

• HeadsUpGuys. A plain site on depression in men, with a self-check and men’s own accounts. It’s good on why depression in men often shows up as irritability, drinking, or overwork rather than sadness.
• I Don’t Want to Talk About It (Terrence Real). The classic on how depression hides in men: in work, anger, drinking, and withdrawal. Plenty of men find themselves in the first chapter.
• The Happiness Trap (Russ Harris, 2nd edition). A practical guide to acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT): how to stop arguing with painful thoughts and still do what matters to you. The new edition has chapters on grief and loneliness.
• Platonic (Marisa Franco). A lot of men find after a divorce that their social life ran through their wife. This book explains, with research, how adults make and keep friends.

Drinking, overwork, and other escapes

• Rethinking Drinking (National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism). If the evening drinks have crept up since the separation, this lets you check your numbers against the research on risk. No lecture.
• SMART Recovery. Free meetings, in person and online, built on cognitive-behavioral methods rather than a spiritual program. Men who want tools and a plan often find it a better fit.
• Dopamine Nation (Anna Lembke). A Stanford addiction psychiatrist on why drinking, porn, gambling, and screens pull the same lever, and how a 30-day break resets it.
• Chained to the Desk in a Hybrid World (Bryan Robinson, 4th edition). The standard book on work addiction, updated for remote work, with self-tests and a chapter on what it does to partners and kids. For the man whose marriage ended partly over the hours.

Sleep, body, and running a home

• Insomnia Coach (VA National Center for PTSD). A free app that takes you through cognitive behavioral therapy for insomnia (CBT-I) week by week. It’s built for anyone, including people who never served.
• Quiet Your Mind and Get to Sleep (Colleen Carney and Rachel Manber). A CBT-I workbook for when worry or low mood is what keeps you up. CBT-I is what sleep doctors recommend before pills.
• The Joy of Movement (Kelly McGonigal). Exercise as a way back to other people and to feeling capable. Worth reading if you lost the running partner or the weekend league along with the marriage.
• How to Cook Everything: The Basics (Mark Bittman). Cooking from zero, with a photo for each step. For the man feeding himself, and his kids on his nights, for the first time.

Money

• Navigating the financial side of divorce (Vanguard). A checklist of what to sort out: marital and separate property, debts, the house, retirement accounts, and joint accounts. There’s a short plug for Vanguard at the end.
• Publication 504: Divorced or Separated Individuals (IRS). The official word on filing status, who claims the kids, alimony, and how property transfers are taxed. Dense. Read the parts that apply before you sign a settlement, ideally with your tax preparer.
• 10 questions to ask your financial advisor (CFP Board). What to ask any financial professional before hiring one: whether they’re a fiduciary, how they’re paid, and whether they’ve been disciplined. It applies to a certified divorce financial analyst (CDFA) as much as anyone.

The legal process

• Nolo’s Essential Guide to Divorce (Emily Doskow). A plain-English map of the process: property, support, custody, and settlement. Read it before your first meeting with a lawyer or mediator, so you’re paying them for advice rather than vocabulary.
• Divorce Without Court (Katherine Stoner). How mediation and collaborative divorce work, what they cost next to court, and how to prepare so the sessions are productive.
• Getting to Yes (Roger Fisher, William Ury, and Bruce Patton). The classic on negotiating from interests. Settling a divorce is a long negotiation with someone you’ll likely keep dealing with for years.

Washington

• Divorce guide (WashingtonLawHelp). The best free step-by-step guide to divorce in Washington, with links to free guided form interviews.
• Mediation: should I use it? (WashingtonLawHelp). When mediation fits, when it doesn’t (abuse, a large power imbalance), and what it usually costs.
• Resolution Washington. The state’s nonprofit dispute resolution centers, which offer free or low-cost mediation, including parenting plans.

Rhode Island

• Guide and File (Rhode Island Judiciary). The Family Court’s free guided interview for divorce forms.
• Family Court Mediation Program. Free court mediation for disputes over custody, parenting time, and child support.
• Lawyer Referral Service (Rhode Island Bar Association). Matches you with a family lawyer, including limited-scope help. If you qualify, the Reduced Fee Program caps rates at $100 an hour.
• Finding and choosing a lawyer (Rhode Island Bar Association). What to check before hiring: experience with your kind of case, fees in writing, and caution about anyone who promises a result.

Doing it differently next time

• The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (John Gottman and Nan Silver). Built on decades of research on couples. It helps with understanding what went wrong, and with the next relationship.
• The Four Horsemen (The Gottman Institute). A short article on the four habits that best predict a relationship ending: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Most men recognize at least one of their own.
• The Stepfamily Handbook (Karen Bonnell and Patricia Papernow). For dating again as a dad: when to introduce a new partner to your kids, how to spend more time all together without it turning stressful, and what to expect as two households start to merge. Papernow is one of the leading researchers on stepfamilies.

Listing something here doesn't endorse its author's other services, and none of it replaces care from a clinician.