Couples therapy for couples who want to stay together

Section On this page

You’re having the same argument you had last month, and you could both recite it from memory. I see a few couples at a time who want to stay together and have got stuck there. Most of my work is with men on their own, so I can’t take every couple who calls, and I’d rather say so now than after you’ve both found an hour to talk to me.

The couples I see

You’re still together and you want to stay together. You’ve just stopped being able to work through a disagreement without it turning into that argument.

It often follows a big change: a move, a new house, a baby, a parent who got sick, a job that took over. The marriage was built for one version of your life, and that life changed faster than the marriage did.

Usually neither of you is a villain in this. You’re two reasonable people who have each started keeping score.

Who I’m not the right fit for

If one of you is already on the way out, discernment counseling is a better place to start, and we’ll sort that out in the first conversation. If a divorce is underway, I’ll help you find a co-parenting counselor. I don’t see former partners together, and I don’t offer family therapy.

How I work with couples

My graduate training was in systems counseling, which looks at a person inside the relationships they live in rather than as a list of symptoms. With a couple, that means I’m less interested in who started it than in the pattern you both keep ending up in, and what each of you is protecting when you do.

I talk, and I’ll say what I see. I won’t take sides, and I won’t let a session turn into a trial. Between sessions I’ll often suggest something small to try, like a conversation to have on a quieter night, or a sentence to say instead of the usual one. Then we look at what happened. My approach has the longer version.

What changes

The argument doesn’t disappear, but it stops running the house. You start catching it a few minutes earlier, and the repair afterward gets shorter. Most couples find they can disagree about something and still go to bed on the same side of it.

Questions people ask

Do you do couples therapy online?

Yes, and only online. Every session is by video, and both of you need to be physically in Washington State or Rhode Island at the time of it.

How much does couples therapy cost?

$275 for a 45-minute session. I’m fully out of network, so you pay me directly. Whether your plan reimburses couples sessions is a question for your insurer; using your out-of-network benefits covers what to ask.

What if only one of us wants to come?

Then couples therapy probably isn’t the place to start. If one of you is already on the way out, discernment counseling fits better, and I can point you to someone who does it. If you’re the one who wants to work on the marriage, you can do that on your own; therapy for men going through divorce covers working on a marriage alone.

Do you see couples who are separating or divorcing?

No. Once a divorce is underway, couples therapy is usually the wrong tool, and I don’t see former partners together. I’ll help you find a co-parenting counselor instead.

Do you work with couples where one partner has ADHD or is autistic?

Yes. Many of the people I work with are neurodivergent, and some of the hardest knots in a marriage come from two people taking in the same evening very differently. There’s more on therapy for neurodivergent adults.